Getting the Love You Want

How much time do you spend thinking about other people’s love language? A lot of people have become aware of love languages and their importance in relationships (Click Here for a breakdown of the love languages). You may know your love language and understand that everyone doesn’t have the same language but just knowing that the love languages exist doesn’t make them easy to incorporate into your love life. You may have noticed the difficulty in meeting someone else’s love language.  Here are two points to keep in mind when you are trying to increase the intimacy in your relationships by using love languages.

A single love language can be expressed in many different ways.

If there are 5 love languages then there must be hundreds of different love dialects and accents. Two people can have the exact same love language and still have trouble communicating because they express that language in different ways. Sure, there will be some things they have in common, but just as an American may have trouble with certain words in England, a couple with the same love language might find that they miss the mark sometimes. The diversity of expressed loved languages can make it extremely difficult for couples who speak different languages because just like in other areas of a relationship, showing someone love in a way that resonates with them may not come naturally. You may need to try different things before you find one that works and while you are trying, keep in mind that your idea of quality time may look completely different than that of your partner. To avoid getting lost in translation, be clear and specific about what you need when discussing love languages. Also, point out times when you feel the most loved so your partner will know what works for you. Being honest with yourself and what you like gives the other person an opportunity to put more effort into showing you love. You also must be patient with your partner. He or she may not be fluent in your love language, but, with the right teacher, they can learn to be.

There are certain love languages that seem complementary of each other.

There are 5 distinct love languages, but some of them relate or lead to another. This means that while you and your partner may not share the exact same love language, if the languages are complimentary, you may be able to express the other’s language with relative ease. For example, someone whose love language is gifts could complement someone who enjoys acts of service. Although they may want to buy gifts because it comes naturally, buying gifts is a way to show that they thought about their partner while away. Doing something around the house or running necessary errands to get it off their partner’s plate is another way to communicate the same thing. Similarly, someone who likes quality time may also enjoy physical contact. Spending time focusing on just you and your partner could easily lead to holding hands, hugging or a number of other physical acts.

Knowing the 5 Love languages, while not a cure-all for increasing intimacy in relationships, can be a great starting point, but expressing love in a way that doesn’t come naturally to you can take some effort. The bottom line is there should be a little bit more thought into how the other person receives love and if you are capable of doing that. Instead of just recognizing the love language of your significant other, have a discussion about what it looks like specifically. Ask yourself is that something that you feel you can fulfill. Can you truly deliver what they need in the relationship and can you do it as often as they need it? Be honest! Everybody deserves what they need in a relationship. You shouldn’t try to make them believe their need isn’t important or understand why you can’t meet their needs. Figure out if you can and if you can’t, walk away.

Post Author: Eboni Harris

Eboni Harris is a relationship therapist and Founder/Editor-in-Chief of Room for Relations and host of Room for Relations: Sex and Relationship Podcast. Through her education she has learned the skills and techniques to help individuals and couple love better, stronger and longer. Through life she has learned that taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for you and the ones you love. Her goal is to help adults communicate with clarity and honesty, love with passion and intention and teach their offspring (little ones) the value of boundaries, compassion and trust.